Review of 50 Shades of Grey (aka 50 Shades of Suck)

Warning - Plot spoilers ahead. I know, I know. What plot?

Obviously I didn't learn my lesson after reading Twilight. Yet again, I succumbed to the hype surrounding a horrible, horrible book.

In my defense, I honestly didn't know it was originally Twilight fan fiction (Yes, something worse than Twilight itself). So the fastest selling paperback, faster than Harry Potter, is Twilight porn. *cringe*

I debated for weeks about writing a review, because that meant I'd have to dwell again on the atrocity that is E L James' writing.

But seeing friends picking up the book, I could stand it no longer. I thought it was my duty to warn the masses (or the few of you who bother reading my rants).

So just to be clear, It's not the BDSM and the graphic sexual nature of the book, that has me despising it so much. It's the way the book is written. It's just not sexy, in fact, it's entirely hilarious. Unfortunately, it is all unintentional.

Just to give you a little summary...

So there's this girl, Anastasia Steele. She's naive, klutsy (sound familiar? Bella anyone?) and blushes all the time. Apart from that, she doesn't seem to have much of a personality. Oh yeah, and she reads classic British Literature. *yawn* So she's pretentious too. What really bothered me, however, was how she managed to go through 4 years of university without owning her own computer before Grey buys her one. Are you serious? It's the 21st century!

Personally, I think it was just another excuse for blatant product placements. Audi, Converse, Apple. Yeah, stop trying to sell us crap, we already foolishly bought your book.

Ana seems to constantly be tripping on things which I guess is supposed to be sexy and all damsel in distress-ish. And, you know, not a sign of a serious inner ear condition that she needs to get checked out.

Then there's Christian Grey. He's GORGEOUS. Beautiful. He's PERFECT. He's rich, like super rich. He's also in his 20s, because that's totally believable. He owns a helicopter, he plays the piano, and also has a kinky little secret.

He likes to hurt women.

Oh but that's such a minor flaw really. *rolls eyes* (Oh wait, I shouldn't roll my eyes, Christian would whip me for that. Yeah, he really doesn't like it when you roll your eyes.)

That's just one of his controlling habits. He will also make you shove food down your throat and expect you to stay skinny, but he's just sooo dreamy. AND RICH, Did I fail to mention that he was super rich? Well he is. He'll buy you laptops and cars in exchange for your dignity.

But Ana has no dignity. Seriously. The damsel in distress angle is so overly played. Remember in Twilight how Edward swooped in and rescued Bella from thugs? Well, he swoops in and rescues her from a drunk Jacob Jose (Pronounced as HO-zay. Fitting.) from manhandling her. Jose, by the way, is a pathetic excuse for a character, really. I think E L James was on Team Jacob, to be honest.

E L James tried, she really did, but with source material from Twilight, what could she do? I'll tell you what she did! She gave Edward, ahem, Christian, varied taste in music that didn't include just Claire de Lune. I mean, you guys, he's normal! He listens to Kings of Leon, like all of us! Sigh, come on guys, she tried, okay?

And some parts are just like...WTF. Okay, here is where you might want to stop reading if you're squeamish.
"He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."
Actually, Christian, that's really not a responsible way of disposing of a tampon. You should really leave that to a girl. Really. JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

So the guy is attractive and rich, but he just took OUT YOUR TAMPON. How can you look him in the eye again? Also, he thinks that since you're on your period, he can't get you pregnant so he foregoes the condom. Um, have you taken sex ed, Christian? Apparently, billionaires don't go to school.

I can't believe women find this drivel romantic. The guy is a controlling, raging maniac, a stalker, and is abusive to boot. If Christian Grey looked like this, would you take that sh*t from him?
Photobucket
"Let me show you my red room of pain." Uh...no thanks.
Someone uploaded a picture of their mom's copy of 50 Shades of Grey going "I don't even want to think about what those post-its mean." I just think she marked out all the different pages which made her want to KILL HERSELF, so she could somehow sue E L James for causing her mental distress. That's what I want to do.

Which leads me to the word count, and the moments where E L James didn't even try at all.

Word Count "Oh My" - 79
"He pulled me back against his chest...oh my."  
"He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my." 
"Crap" - 101
"Jeez" - 82
"Holy (sh*t/f**k/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 172
"Whoa" - 13
"Gasp" - 34
"Gasps" - 11
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 4
"Murmur" - 68
"Murmurs" - 139
"Whisper" - 96

"Whispers" - 103
"Mutter" - 28
"Mutters" - 23
"Fifty" - 16
"Lip" - 71 (She bites her lip a LOT. He tells her to not do it a LOT)
"Inner goddess" - 58
"My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves." 
“My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.” 
“My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms shouting yes at me.” 
“My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream.” 
"Subconscious" - 82 E L James has NO idea what subconscious means. Case in point:
 “My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho.’ I ignore her.” 

Some more of my favorite quotes. 
I did enjoy reading this because it was oh-so-very hilarious. So if you are, like me, drawn to the ridiculously bad, then go ahead. You'll find literary gems such as this:
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”  (You can guess what he's referring to.)
“He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle.”
“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?”
“You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the Sun,” I whisper.
Beguile. Seriously? Die, 50 Shades, DIE.

Goodreads review (hilarious) http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215

What did you think of my review? Tweet me or Facebook me.

7 comments

  1. Can't wait to not watch the movie.

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    1. I don't know... Still curious. I'm just drawn to the god-awful.

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    2. In that case, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus

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  2. Replies
    1. Haha, I think we will! Love your blog post on bralets! (I didn't know they were called that-I just called them crop tops)

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  3. LOL I loved your review! I've refused to read the books because I've already heard too much from my friends and was disgusted. Thanks for writing a great review that's NOT jumping on the bandwagon. I'll definitely have to share this :)

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