Twittorial: 10 annoying things to avoid doing, ESPECIALLY if you're from Dubai

People in Dubai commit some heinous crimes on Twitter; I don't know if it's something in the water, or lack thereof, but there are some things people tweet that are just teeth-grindingly annoying, and since more of my friends have taken to joining Twitter, I thought I would write a guide for them to not be a "tw- rhymes with the C word".

Just don't be one.

Here are some things you should avoid doing:

1. Post your BB Pin in your bio.

It seems to be working for this guy because everyone probably thinks they can BB the camel instead.
Just no.

2. Tweeting song lyrics

It just doesn't work in any scenario. For one, we hear the top 10 hits on the radio on repeat every morning on Virgin Radio. We don't need them spamming our feed. Also, no one wants to see your great hipster taste in music that we've never heard of.

3. Manually retweeting. 

There's a retweet button for a reason.

4. Not paying it forward well

For the love of God, don't thank people for the retweet or fav. Just star them and move on. It's just so awkward! Also, use the star button more - you do know it doesn't mean literally your favorite tweet of all time, right?

5. Being self involved

How do you tweet and not be self involved? It's tricky, but you'll learn, little bird. You'll learn.

Also saying "Follow back" gets you 0 follow backs from me because it's just a little arrogant, don't cha think?

6. Have stupid boring conversations with your friends 

When there's Facebook, Skype, BBM, Whatsapp, this really cool feature on your phone called - oh yeah - THE PHONE.
Keep that stuff to a minimum, or at least talk about something more interesting than getting "waaaaasted" at Barasti. For God's sake, @ your friend about that weird butt rash atleast!

7. Tweeting about stuff no one cares about, in a manner that no one cares about.

I'm sure sports enthusiasts love following other sports enthusiasts... but I can't stand sports, so I make it a point to not follow people that tweet incessantly while a match is on. The problem, this means I can't follow 99% of Dubai.
Also, before you hit the tweet button, really think about if you want to send another generic "Good morning, Dubai" tweet. Or that tweet about hitting the gym (Did you even go if you didn't tweet about it?)

I whine about the weather as much as the next person in Dubai, but Summer in Dubai happens practically 365 days a year.

8. Hashtags in any form that isn't one succinct topic

Where do I begin about hashtags? I feel like I could write an entire essay about the misuse and abuse of a harmless little character that was supposed to make tweeting simpler yet disfigures the medium so completely.

"But hashtags help you find other tweets on the subject."

Yes, so does the little search bar.

"You just used a hashtag."

Yes, for this post I used #Twittorial on a lark. I didn't particularly want to, but since it was an actual subject, I gave it a shot.

"It failed epically"

No it didn't, shut your wh*re mouth.

...Actually, it kinda did. But there's my example right there. No matter how clever you think your hashtag is - you have a one in a million chance of it catching on and having people use them and have you not looking like an idiot.

Leave hashtags to the corporations trying to prove the success of their advertising campaigns by the number of times people tweeted #ILoveJustinBeiberAndTimHortonsAndCanadaAndDubai

Also, ever notice how #dubai and #uae are ALWAYS trending in Dubai.

But there'll always be that one person going, "OMG, Dubai is trending worldwide." No it isn't. Please, sit your ass back down.

People who point out that Dubai or UAE are trending in the UAE are the same people who are like, "Wow, look at that pigeon. It's FLYING!"

Most of the time, I see #dubai in a tweet about something as inane as grocery shopping.

If you take away just one thing from this post: When in doubt, just don't hashtag.

Don't hashtag like this:

Don't hashtag like this:
And definitely don't hashtag like this:

9. Not be original

I-I just don't understand them... Where do I enroll to get fluent at sarcasm?

That awkward moment when I want to beat you silly for retweeting this into my timeline. Copy pasting off of 9gag does not a clever tweeter make.

Stuff like this makes me follow you:
Stupid? Yes. Predictable? No.

10. Forget your grammar

Do not tweet like a 12 year old.

So that's the end of my Twittorial. If you're on Twitter and you catch me doing any of these: you can totally subtweet me (To you Twitter novices: subtweets are passive aggressive tweets that are not so much passive as just flat out aggressive).

Also I don't mind if you unfollow me for this, really. I recently had someone @ me saying "Unfollowing" and I did cut my wrists over it for a while, but wounds heal.

If you had any suggestions, tweet me @Easyaspiemmmpie or Facebook me.

And if you need a further tutorial on what not to tweet see The Oatmeal's comic

1 comment

  1. Just completed a similar Instagramming in Dubai tutorial a few days ago and was going to start on a twitter one right now!
    But you seem to have hit the nail on the head with this post! :)